Take Me Away From Here

I had a few realizations in the past few hours, thanks to my dad’s wonderful speech. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. Apparently, I’m useless, I lack respect, I’m a wild animal and I’m not learning anything in school so I should just drop out. And he said these things in filipino which meant that it was a thousand times worse and what sucks is that he was shouting every single word and I’m pretty sure that my neighbors heard it loud and clear.

He printed out a long document that had the answer to the questions “What is respect?” and “Why is respect so important?” Then he told me that I should rewrite it on pad paper for a hundred times, no joke.

On my last post, I think I mentioned that I haven’t been eating for 2 days now and well I weighed myself today and found out that I lost 3 pounds in just 2 days without exercising or doing anything to actually lose weight. That’s kinda good since I am overweight and everything so, yeah. Maybe that’s a pro.

I’ve been praying recently. I’ve been asking God to clearly tell me who’s wrong and who’s right because I believe that I did nothing wrong at all and I could justify it, but the my dad and his friends are mad at me for some senseless reason. I was forced to apologize, but until now, I have not done what I was asked to do because a question kept popping up in my mind: Why should I?

I think after this issue, everything will change. I will probably some unhappy person who would actually prefer school over staying at home all the time and my relationship with my dad would probably have a big change. The closeness that we had before would probably be gone and would never come back. I don’t care if he was just saying words, his words hurt and I forgot to mention that he also asked me if I wanted him to beat me up.

I left the house after his scolding. I ran to the church and sat on the steps and cried for 2 hours there. Jack, my driver and my friend, followed me there and told me that I should just let it go since my dad is on medication and that he’s had past accidents and everything. But my patience could only go so far. I’ve been keeping up with his bullshit for 3 years now, he’s never been like this when my mom was still alive.

Which brings me to how much I miss my mom. If my mom would still be alive, I could talk to her without anyone shouting and telling me how much of a stupid and useless daughter I am. She would help me defend myself in front of my dad and she would comfort me if ever dad does something that would hurt me. But now I’m just alone. I do have friends and yes, they do help me a lot, but the love and the support of a mother is just different.

That’s all that I have to say and yes, I am still thinking about ways to go away from here. Like in my last post, the thoughts of running away and drinking pills are still here and no, I am not saying this to get attention. I really hope things would end on a good note soon. I don’t want my thoughts to turn into reality.

Sigh

Hi. I have come to the point where I would question everything that happens around me. I know that no one would actually read or care about this, but I just feel like I want to get something out of my chest. I’m having some problems at home, but I won’t go to any detail because it’s very confusing. My dad won’t believe me, he says that I shouldn’t be friends with certain people because it’s disgusting and what was supposed to be a different person’s fault became mine.

No matter how very often this sounds: I don’t know what to do. Every time that prick walks by, all I want is to smother her into pieces and freaking tell her how much of a bitch she is. Every time she walks by, I want to slap her in the face and tell her that she’s an insensitive little shit who only thinks about herself, but I know that it wouldn’t do me any good because it will only get me into more trouble.

I put someone else’s job on the line and this person, even if he works for me, is like my brother since he’s been there since I was a little kid and I don’t think my life’s going to be as fun without him (no, it’s not a love thing).

I haven’t eaten since yesterday and I think I’m doing fine since my stored fats will keep me alive and I’ve got lots of them. I just hate being at home nowadays. I thought of a couple things yesterday and boy, were they unpleasant. I thought of running away, bringing nothing but my iPad to entertain myself. If that would happen, I wouldn’t go anywhere. I would just walk and walk and walk ’til I fall asleep or get tired and I’ll just sit whenever I’d feel like it. I thought of locking myself on the terrace of our 2-story house and wait for the moment ’til I’d feel like jumping and I probably won’t die, but at least I’ll hurt myself and maybe then the horrible little shits that caused the problem would actually fucking feel something and at least apologize to me. I thought about drinking a handful of sleeping pills or pain killers or anything that would kill me since I was in a horrible state by then and it seemed like dying wouldn’t feel as horrible as shooting myself. I’m not kidding, I’m not exaggerating things, I’m dead serious and from time to time, I wished that I was just dead.

No, I do not sing emo songs or have long bangs or something like that. I’m a jolly person, I laugh all the time and I joke around and I have lots of friends. Technically, I’m not the typical depressed kind of person and this is not depression (I think), but I’m just so sick of home and so sick of people judging others and all the unfair things in this whole damn world. I know that I’m not the worst case out there or the only one who’s going through this thing that people call “life” but I don’t think I’m handling it very well and I just hope that people would actually understand what I’m feeling because I think that’s all what I need.

I’ve noticed that I have been using so many “I”s in this whole post. Almost all of the people out there have told me that the right thing to do was to put others first, but I think we only have to do it to a certain extent. What if you were dying and you still put others first? I mean sure, that would be nice but heck, you are dying. You can’t just neglect your life just because you were following some saying that other people have said. 

I just

I don’t know.

One Big Announcement to One Big Disaster

I personally don’t even know who reads my posts. If it’s my friends or other people or whatever so anyways, I haven’t really posted anything for a while since I haven’t read anything new yet. So anyways, this is my blog so I am going to post the things that I want to say and I know no one’s going to listen to me but what the heck.

So today, March 16, 2013, there was this One Big Announcement from One Direction. It was an announcement for their “Where We Are 2014 Tour” and turns out, my country, the Philippines, wasn’t in the first batch of places that they’ll be going to. Now, I’m not sure if they will visit, but that’s not my point here.

A few minutes after the first batch of stadiums were announced, the hashtag #OneBigDisappointment topped the trends and obviously, this was coming from the people who won’t be seeing 1D because they won’t be having their concert in those certain areas. I just wanted to say that I think it was the people’s fault for their own hate or whatever negative emotion they were feeling. They were actually expecting. I mean, yes, it was said to be a big announcement but it could’ve been something else, right? Maybe marriage or in my case, someone coming out that they were gay for each other (I’m sorry, I’m that weird).

They all went online to tell their fans that they’re so excited for this tour and then I see people tweeting them that the announcement was a big ball of disappointment. I’m not going to give you that “non-true fans” speech of mine, but damn. You are the disappointment. These people just don’t understand how hard it is to have more than a million fans wanting to see them. They can’t be in 2 places at once and they also can’t be in so many places in just a short amount of time because they’re NOT robots. When will you fucking understand?

Even ZAYN went online for this and he never goes online. That’s pretty big, if you actually know and care about what I’m saying. I just laid down on the floor for a straight 5 minutes praying that this shit will stop. They do what they do because they love doing it and maybe if this hatred and stupid and pointless disappointment won’t stop, then maybe it’ll come to the point where they’ll feel that they’re actually forced to do this – the singing, the concerts, and everything that they dreamed of.

Now, this goes to all of you who’s practically hating on me now for what I’ve said: FUCK YOU.

Thank you and good day.

Every Day by David Levithan

I am now on summer vacation, yes! I guess I’ll have more time to read, but then again, I do have other things to do. I just finished reading Every Day by David Levithan and was it a good book? Yes! It was a very good book! Although at first I thought it was going to be cheesy since it’s not really possible in real life, but I stand corrected. It was nowhere near cheesy.

Just like before, I’ll be starting with the good things before the bad things and yes, even if I started with a very very happy introduction to this post, I still had a few negative observations about it (but don’t worry! It’s just a few!) The plot was very unique. It was very smart of David to connect the things of the book despite the difficult situation of the character. The part that struck me the most was the ending. Holy cow, the ending! The ending was totally unexpected! I thought they were going to find a way for A to stay in that body or something which was wrong, but what would you expect from books, right? But no, wow. He gave up Rhiannon to the boy. Wow, that was super shocking. I was also touched when A was in this guy named Hugo’s life. Specifically the part where he fished from his memory the day when Hugo and his boyfriend got together. That was special and creative.

Part of why I liked this book is because I was kind of expecting a John Green type of book since they are both popular and they have written a novel together, but I do commend the way of writing in this novel because it isn’t some very simple and practical book. The conversations between people were realistic and the way they act was true to life except for the fact that A changed bodies every day.

I was expecting for a little bit more excitement and thrill in Nathan’s side of the story. I wished there was more action in that part. In my opinion, I think it would be better if he tried to really prove himself to Nathan that he wasn’t the devil or maybe did something to Reverend Poole, but I’m not the author of the book so I can’t do anything about that. I think it wasn’t a good idea to put the part where he met Rhiannon in the first parts of the book. I would’ve liked it better if he had tried to keep his mind off her and concentrated on the body that he was taking over. (Yes, I refer to A as a he just cause).

Because the author put their ocean adventure in the first part of the book, it seemed pretty normal to me. I didn’t feel the attraction between the two of them. And I have said this many times about many other books, which is very sad, I didn’t feel the emotion in the book. All the feelings that the reader should have felt probably hit me at the end when he was starting to say goodbye to Rhiannon. But their “love”? I didn’t feel any of that so it wasn’t actually a big of a deal for me if they didn’t see each other. Honestly, I was even more thrilled when Nathan found out about A and his body changing.

It was a fun experience for me to have read a book like that and I am willing to read more David Levithan books because they seem pretty interesting. Yup, there you go.

Abortion: Keep Your Theology Off My Biology

To explain my title, it just means that our religious practices should be put aside and that’s what exactly I’ll be doing in this post. All religious practices or rituals will be ignored and so if you have a problem with that then stop reading, but I do believe that we all should understand different sides of this issue.

What comes in your mind when the word ‘abortion’ is said? Let me guess. Evil, cruel, death, murder, banned, sin and all the other negative words that are in the dictionary and out of it. Yes, abortion is bad. Yes, abortion destroys lives and yes, those are the common things common people would think about which goes against what I have to say.

There are a few (non-religious) reasons on why people are against abortion. These reasons being 1. taking away someone’s life 2. killing a baby is cruel 3. you could’ve taken away the life of someone who would’ve found a cure for cancer and many more reasons. Well, those reasons are accepted and valid, but I just have so many arguments to this.

Abortion isn’t really taking someone’s life away because this thing hasn’t even formed yet, it’s not exactly living. It’s just a group of forming cells. “Killing a baby is cruel.” Sure it’s cruel, but again, it’s not a baby yet and does it even make a difference if it’s a baby or not? Killing people is cruel, not just babies. If your country is in war with another country. You being Country A and the other being Country B. If your country wins this war against Country B, you would be happy, right? But if you were such a great person who truly cared about the lives of other people, why would you ignore the people who have died because of the war? What about the people from Country B who have died fighting for their country? If you cared about babies only, then think about the families that they have left behind or the pregnant women who have been bombed or the children who have been shot accidentally. They have died. So I suggest, if you think this “injustice” or whatever needs to be banished from our economy then stopping wars is probably a better idea, but it is kind of impossible especially now that North Korea’s experiencing some shitty PMS and is declaring war or threatening the USA or something like that.

Saying that taking away the life of someone who would’ve been very important in the future because of doing something extraordinary like finding a cure for cancer is irrelevant. It’s not a very valid idea, in my opinion. I mean yes, it is acceptable but I think everybody is equally significant. Let’s take Steve Jobs and a poor homeless boy. When Steve Jobs died, he was all over the news and his death trended on Twitter and everything. The world was sorry for him because he, a great and smart man, died so suddenly. If this homeless boy died, who would care? Probably his family, if he still had one. If you think that everyone is so significant then why would you ignore this child? Because he didn’t create some hipster gadget like Apple? Then that’s total bullshit. Where is your total crap about everyone being important now? Honestly, I’m having a bit of a difficult time in explaining my point in that last statement so I’ll just move on.

You’re probably saying that I am stupid at the moment for not really explaining it thoroughly. Oh well. I’ll give you one scenario. What if you are raped but left alive and pregnant? Would you still say that being raped is not an excuse? You were god damn dragged from the sidewalk or something and was rudely fucked (That was a very immature sentence). Would you still want to keep your baby even if you know that this thing was just a product of something terrifying? Would you want to stay in the kitchen and make sandwiches and meals for your unwanted child for as long as she stays under your roof? Tell me, who would even want that?

Still not enough to reconsider things about abortion? Okay, what if you went to the doctor’s with your husband and your big fetus-filled belly. You love your baby and you are more than willing to start a family. What if the doctor tells you that the only way that you’re baby will live is if you die? So it’s you against the baby. I’m sure most of you who would read this would say that you would give your life for your baby just ’cause, but really think about it. You would give your life up for a baby, who could be a terrorist in the future or whatever, but not only that. What if you worked your ass off to have a perfect future? You got a good job and had so many sacrifices to get that job only to give yourself and your family a better life? You could always try again when it comes to making a baby and all those efforts would still be worth something.

I think I’ve said what I’ve been wanting to say ever since people have been debating about this issue. I have said my side and I would want to hear yours and you might probably change my mind. You could leave a comment down below, if you want. Thank you so much for your time in listening to my rants and babbles about this issue. Thanks again and good day.

Boundless (Unearthly #3) by Cynthia Hand

I recently made a review about the 2nd book to the Unearthly series entitled “Hallowed” and you can check that out by clicking this.

This is probably going to be one of my most immature book reviews ever.

Anyways, I’m going to start with the things that have caused me to experience physical pain…literally. Actually, it was just one thing that irritated me the most. I honestly do not like Clara and Tucker together. Clara is best with Christian because one, he makes her stronger and two, Christian has sacrificed so much for her, but she still went back to Tucker who was a jerk to her after she said goodbye the first time. Then when Tucker was about to die, I was screaming with Joy because I said hey, she and Chris might have a chance, but oh by surprise, Tucker’s alive. Imagine my happiness to that, right? (Sarcasm)

In my opinion, Tucker was a distraction and not an inspiration. Tucker was Jeffrey’s responsibility but no, Clara had to ruin it for Jeffrey and for me and that’s okay, that’s COMPLETELY okay. (This isn’t even a book review, kind of. This is like more of a rant but whatever).

Anyways, on to the proper book review for this novel:

I loved it. The way the scenes were written down were almost flawless although, I would’ve appreciated a bit more emotion and tension during the fighting scenes and when Phen or Penamue said that he couldn’t be with Angela.

I did feel sorry for Christian. He was so passionate and determined to make Clara his but she was so hung up on Tucker which was very annoying because she already said goodbye. If you say goodbye, you don’t go back to the thing or the person that you say goodbye to. That’s stupid and childish (Oh shit, I’m ranting again. Please forgive me.)

I just wished that Clara would’ve been more open to new people in her life. I mean, she pushed Doubting Thomas away and she definitely pushed Christian away when they were on their first date and she thought of Tucker when they were about to kiss. Wow, didn’t that make me shit balls.

I wished Billy acted more motherly. She was Maggie’s ‘replacement’, she could’ve at least acted like one, right? But I do understand that she could never be a mother to Clara and Jeffrey well because she’s not Maggie. That’s kind of a given.

I like Samjeeza. Even if he’s a Black Wing, he still had a heart. He understood Maggie and Clara and helped the good side. Pretty impressive for someone who was expected to have a cold heart.

Jeffrey became kind of a minor character because he was gone all the time. I think it would’ve been better if he was really part of the story. His stubbornness suited him well. It really fitted his character so he’s a positive for me.

I was practically attached to the book so I guess that’s a good thing. It made me laugh and smile and even made me crawl like a worm so I could conclude that there was emotion written in that text. It was very inspiring because it taught you that no matter how many people try to go against what you want, you still have to strive to get what you want.

Never give up and believe in your heart. Thank you, Cynthia Hand. It’s been a pleasure reading your books.

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Adios, S.Y. 2012 – 2013

This goes to my class, 2-Compassion.

Hi, C. I just want you guys to know that you’re awesome. I love you so much. I know that we’ve all had our differences, but it’s glad that we’ve worked it all out in the end. I’m going to miss all of you so much, I hope that this isn’t the end of us. Always keep your head up high no matter what others tell you behind your back or whatever. At first when I met all of you, all I could think was wow, this class sucks, but I take it all back.

You are all amazing. You are all better than who I thought you guys would be. Each and every one of you is unique in your own little way and I realized that we are all at our best when we work together, which is what I want us to be for our whole lives. I want us to be together forever.

Thank you for all the bad times and the mistakes and the shortcomings because from all those faults, you have taught me valuable lessons. But most of all, thank you for the laughs, the smiles, the grins, the happy pills, the memories (cue Fall Out Boy song here) and the amazing journey.

(c) bea mesina

(c) bea mesina