I had a few realizations in the past few hours, thanks to my dad’s wonderful speech. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. Apparently, I’m useless, I lack respect, I’m a wild animal and I’m not learning anything in school so I should just drop out. And he said these things in filipino which meant that it was a thousand times worse and what sucks is that he was shouting every single word and I’m pretty sure that my neighbors heard it loud and clear.
He printed out a long document that had the answer to the questions “What is respect?” and “Why is respect so important?” Then he told me that I should rewrite it on pad paper for a hundred times, no joke.
On my last post, I think I mentioned that I haven’t been eating for 2 days now and well I weighed myself today and found out that I lost 3 pounds in just 2 days without exercising or doing anything to actually lose weight. That’s kinda good since I am overweight and everything so, yeah. Maybe that’s a pro.
I’ve been praying recently. I’ve been asking God to clearly tell me who’s wrong and who’s right because I believe that I did nothing wrong at all and I could justify it, but the my dad and his friends are mad at me for some senseless reason. I was forced to apologize, but until now, I have not done what I was asked to do because a question kept popping up in my mind: Why should I?
I think after this issue, everything will change. I will probably some unhappy person who would actually prefer school over staying at home all the time and my relationship with my dad would probably have a big change. The closeness that we had before would probably be gone and would never come back. I don’t care if he was just saying words, his words hurt and I forgot to mention that he also asked me if I wanted him to beat me up.
I left the house after his scolding. I ran to the church and sat on the steps and cried for 2 hours there. Jack, my driver and my friend, followed me there and told me that I should just let it go since my dad is on medication and that he’s had past accidents and everything. But my patience could only go so far. I’ve been keeping up with his bullshit for 3 years now, he’s never been like this when my mom was still alive.
Which brings me to how much I miss my mom. If my mom would still be alive, I could talk to her without anyone shouting and telling me how much of a stupid and useless daughter I am. She would help me defend myself in front of my dad and she would comfort me if ever dad does something that would hurt me. But now I’m just alone. I do have friends and yes, they do help me a lot, but the love and the support of a mother is just different.
That’s all that I have to say and yes, I am still thinking about ways to go away from here. Like in my last post, the thoughts of running away and drinking pills are still here and no, I am not saying this to get attention. I really hope things would end on a good note soon. I don’t want my thoughts to turn into reality.